it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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