Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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