i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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