You can't special order awesome
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
