my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's never too late to be topless.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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