Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize