I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
