just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
