There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
