I just made out with a guy for $7.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize