So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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