I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
