Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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