It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
