tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
