is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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