can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
