I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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