dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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