Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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