Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
