you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
