it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
