Ambien. No doubt about it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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