Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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