You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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