The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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