I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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