I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
