On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
