recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
