I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
