my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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