and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
