So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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