I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
