i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
