i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
