Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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