distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
