there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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