I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
