like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
