Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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