if you like me you must not know who I am
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize