who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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