and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
