Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
