First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
