Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize