i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
