its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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