I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize