Ambien. No doubt about it.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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