u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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