just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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