oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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