i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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