yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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