you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
