I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
love makes seman taste better
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
