Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i believe in u and ur pee
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
