Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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