i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
